It's "D" Day!

Today is February 18th 2012... Brayden and Kayla's due date. It is time to stop saying "He shouldn't be here yet," and time to watch him grow just like a newborn would. It is a bittersweet day as I look at pictures of Kayla and look at Brayden resting comfortably on his play mat. He is 2 months, 1 week and 4 days old at his due date.

New Look, New Title, New - A LOT!

Hi! It has been a while since I have updated this blog, so this may get long, but here goes! We transferred our two remaining embryos on June 1st 2012. Both embryos took and we were expecting twins with a due date of February 18th 2013! It was a complicated, frustrating pregnancy, that I never really, fully, enjoyed. I had severe "all day" sickness, and we discovered early on that one of our twins was developing abnormally and would have a fatal outcome. We had an amniocentesis done and when we learned there were no chromosomal abnormalities, decided to carry and wait it out. The twin continued to develop abnormally and at our gender scan we learned we were having a boy and a girl, our girl was the one with the abnormalities, while our boy was thriving. Fast forward to Sunday November 11th 2012 at 25+6 weeks when I woke up around 4:30 AM with the feeling of a lot of leaking fluid. I went to the bathroom twice without turning on the light, before I woke up a bit, and then turned on the light and noticed the t-paper had pink on it. I then let Jason know that I was calling the night nurse at our hospital, and would likely be going in. I arrived by about 5:15 AM and was admitted with all kinds of tests performed. One test showed that my potassium level was very low, so I was started on a potassium IV. My blood pressure was also elevated and since I am a candidate for pre-eclampsia, I was told I would be staying at least overnight. None of the tests performed indicated that I was leaking amniotic fluid, but one test did show that I was in danger of going into preterm labor. As the day went on, my blood pressure did steady out a bit, but we began talking about early delivery, and I was informed the hospital I was at does not have a NICU capable of caring for infants less than 32 weeks, so we began discussing a transfer. However, as the day and night went on, I continued to improve and talk was changing more to me going home on bed rest. On Monday I had a couple more “fluid gushing” episodes, but again, none of them tested positive as being amniotic fluid. They still decided to keep me Monday night for more observation, because of the leaking and still pre-e chance, but we were told that by Tuesday afternoon we should be preparing to go home. Well, Tuesday afternoon, Maternal Fetal Medicine came in and TOTALLY changed everything! The MFM doctor would not allow me to go home, and told me I would be on hospital bed rest for up to 10 WEEKS!!! My thought was: “Um no, last night all my doctors felt I was fine, why are you being difficult???” She went on to tell me every possible gloom and doom scenario about pre-e and I just sat there and bawled and bawled. She THEN PROCEEDS to take my blood pressure as I am crying and processing everything and of course it was through the roof, and she said: “See how high your blood pressure is?” I told her why it was so high, but she was having none of it, and started me on Magnesium, the worst medication in the world, as I was begging her not to. So we were then transferred to another hospital with a more capable NICU and spent the night there for observation. Once I had calmed down and settled in, my blood pressure once again stabilized. On Wednesday, I saw a slew of new and wonderful doctors, OB/GYN and MFM included, along with a whole new round of tests. The Magnesium was thankfully stopped early, and luckily my side effects were not as awful as they can be on that medicine. The new MFM doctor did not come out and say this as such, but as he was speaking with me he was basically saying: “I am not sure why you needed to stay in a hospital.” He told me that yes I am showing mild pre-e signs, but my blood work and other tests came back fine, but there is nothing that at this point requires hospital bed rest, home bed rest, yes, but not hospital. “PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!” I immediately began the process of transferring my care to the new hospital and their doctors. It is the hospital I delivered Cameron at, and I feel better in the care of a facility with a better NICU. I was able to come home Thursday November 15th. I hadn't seen Cameron since Sunday morning, and I was so very happy to be home! Fast forward again to Friday December 7th 2012 at 29+4 weeks. I had been in and out of various doctors the whole week. On Friday at 12:15 I was scheduled to have another ultrasound scan with Maternal Fetal Medicine. At one point, the tech asked me if I had had any bleeding and I said that I had. I asked if she could tell, and she said that yes, the picture looked different than it had the day before. When the doctor came in to do his part of the scan, he said well, lets go get you delivered, right now. I had placenta abrupbtion, meaning that my placenta was tearing away from the uterine wall, making blood pool behind it. I began making phone calls, while getting prepped for the c-section. Jason was coming and I was whisked away. 2:41 P.M. Brayden was born and 2:50 P.M. Kayla was born. Kayla was not well, and survived for approximately one hour. Kayla was loved on by Daddy and Grandma. Brayden was doing well and was whisked away to the NICU. I went to see Brayden at about 9:00 P.M. and he was doing well all things considered. He is handsome as can be, looking a lot like big brother Cameron. The first challenge for Mommy and Daddy was saying goodbye to Kayla. It was very emotional, but we got through it, and know she is in a good place, no matter how much we miss her. We had a memorial for her on Sunday December 23rd 2012. The first challenge for Brayden were some lung issues. It was a scary time for Mommy and Daddy. But it isn't anything uncommon for a preemie. Brayden continued to have ups and downs in the NICU as is common, but finally after 47 days, he came home with us on no oxygen or monitors. he is amazing! His complete journey can be found here: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/MichelleandBabies We continue to learn about Brayden and grow with him as a new part of our family. Cameron loves his little brother and is adjusting as would be expected. :)

A Day to Remember

Tomorrow is 9/11 and that means something different to each and every one of us. it makes us think about our vulnerabilities, our country, our family our lives. It makes us sad for the ones lost, proud to be an American, happy we are free. It means several things for us too: We will be married 12 years... Cameron will be 2 years, 2 months old... Our world has never been the same. Amazingly we as a couple/family are in a pretty good place. We are ready to embrace the day and whatever emotions it brings. We have not yet done our second transfer, and are still hoping to do so by the end of the year. As we look to this uncertain future, I can't help but hope that the events of that day 10 years ago give you (and myself) time to simply reflect on life, the love of God, and the blessings He has, and will yet, bestow upon us. We will NEVER forget...

All Aboard!!

So I had my consult today to discuss using our remaining two embryos! The greatest thing about it was that today AF came and so it is CD 1. WE CAN START PREPARING FOR THE TRANSFER THIS CYCLE!!!!! On CD 10 I am going to have a hysteroscopy done to make sure I don't have too much scar tissue on my uterus from my C-Section, and to remeasure and assess my uterus for changes since our last transfer, and if that is all good, I will start Lupron on CD 21!!

YAY! I will keep you updated!

Crazy Train!

LOL!

So, I made the call today to set up the initial appointment to use our two remaining embryos! And now I am nervous and scared and excited! I am anxious about going on the meds again, scared about the thawing and implanting, but excited about the prospect of being pregnant again! I LOVED being pregnant. I was disappointed that the first available appointment was not until March 8th, that was NOT in my timeframe! LOL but it is all good, I will wait. Just wanted to update you all as I did originally think we would transfer in late January or early February. I am thinking now it would be more like April. But again, it's ok.

In the Car Pool Lane

Cameron is now 16 months old, and we have begun to discuss using our remaining two embryos. We can only pray for the same result if not double! My will is for Cameron to have biological siblings, but if it is not God's will we will pray to be shown His will. We feel strongly Embryo Adoption still is in His will for us, so therefore we feel strongly this second transfer will work to His glory.

I have met several friends through online sites and forums who have completed or are preparing to do an embryo adoption. I pray for them regularly, that God's will is for them to also be parents through this miracle.

Please also pray for us as we prepare to go through the holiday season and then start the crazy meds again!

Reflection

Cameron is 5 months old ..... Wow. Here is what I have typed up as the complete story:

Our Embryo Adoption Journey

It was in August of 2006 that Jason and I really realized we were -gasp- infertile. We had pretty much figured out that we were going to have difficulty in conceiving a child on our own, as we had already been trying for five years. (What a shock that is to realize as I write this story now.) We casually looked into adoption, and we were absolutely dumbfounded by the prices we encountered to adopt: $10,000 - $15,000 for Domestic and $20,000 - $25,000 for International. We began to accept that the medical interventions of the day may be needed and we made those first appointments. After several tests, it was determined that I had PCOS and Jason had low counts and motility. We were told to try an IUI. After two failed IUI's and more nights of tears and questions, we began to feel it just would never happen, no matter how hard we prayed, God's answer was no. We were devastated and sad. We held each other, we lifted one another up, we talked things over. We decided to trust God. We came to the conclusion that we were going to be OK if we didn't have a biological child - we just yearned for a child.

I began numerous searches on the internet pertaining to adoption. How to afford it, how to prepare for it, all that stuff. I didn't expect to find a site that would inevitably lead me right into Embryo Adoption. The site is Stepping Stones, and it is an outreach ministry of Bethany Christian Services. The members were welcoming and encouraging, and a number of them were currently in the midst of their own Embryo Adoption Journey. It was amazing to read their stories, plus the stories of those adopting domestically and internationally. It was on August 8, 2006 that I posted the following to the Stepping Stones message board:

“I, actually we, are ready to stop TTC. I don't want to go through any of it any more. I want romance to be because we love each other. I want to move on, and I feel at such peace about it. God has shown me His plan. If we are going to conceive, it will be because God wants us to, not because we used medicine or other painful (to me) procedures. I am not putting anyone down, I just feel at peace as it relates to Jason and I. We are all ready to begin the adoption process from either Russia or the Ukraine, depending on program changes. I've just returned home form a week of being a camp counselor for fourth grade campers at my church camp. I had 6 girls in my room this year, and THREE of them were adopted. One was domestic, adopted as an infant, one was adopted from China, and one from foster care. HELLOOOOOOO!!! Eye opener! Ask for a sign and be ready for Him to show it to you! So we are ready, please pray for us, we still have an emotional journey ahead of us, but with God, we will get through it!”

So God had “shown” me that adopting is OK, just after we had begun to come to and accept that conclusion for ourselves. God did still have an answer for us. Little did we know, it would still be a very long journey. Things went on until October of 2006 when we realized that we were simply not going to be able to afford adoption at all, and had no interest in trying to pass a home study. Once again we were devastated and began to question God. See, we figured that because God had given us a sign and because we felt such peace about adoption, that it would just have been easy and happened already. Apparently, we were still not on the same page as God.

Then in December of 2006, it was going to happen. A friend had a friend who wanted to place her baby for adoption. We only had to get the legal paperwork together for a private adoption. No home study, no agency. We were so excited. Well, four months into it, the birth-mom changed her mind, she did not want to give up her baby for adoption. Well you can guess what happened: sadness and frustration set in again. We continuously questioned God: “Why Lord?” “When Lord?” “How Lord?”

So from there it was just a waiting game, we weren't pursuing anything on the adoption front, we weren't pursuing anything on the medical front, we were just waiting and praying and living our life as a family of two. As time went on many friends and family members announced they were expecting, and we put on our happy face and celebrated with them, while yearning for our day of celebration.

That waiting period would take us to December of 2007, when we began to think back and re-discuss the idea of Embryo Adoption. It would take us back almost full circle to our IUI's when my dad first told us about the new concept for infertile couples wishing to experience pregnancy. We really began to research the idea and found many promising outlets, the main one being a web site titled “Miracles Waiting.” Miracles Waiting facilitates the match between a donor couple and recipient couple, leaving the leg work of legalities and home studies up to them. It was finally looking up and we really felt, even more then before, that we were heading in God's chosen path. Our first two possible matches did not pan out, but I knew there was still one other possibility, although it took a while to hear from them!

After Several emails, phone calls, and other communications, we were chosen to receive four embryos on February 28, 2008! We could not believe how far we had come and how close we were to finally becoming parents! Two months after joining Miracles waiting, we had our match. We still had a lot to do such as draw up a contract, arrange for shipment of the embryos, and start treatments at our clinic. This took quite awhile to facilitate as our donors live in Alabama and we had a lot to work out through email! In March of 2008 we began working through a contract, which seems pretty solid! We both had it notarized and it was another step in the right direction.

We began working with our clinic and I was told I had to get my BMI under 40.0, which I was able to do by the end of April 2008. All of my pre-transfer tests had gone well, and all was ready to go we just needed to get those embryos shipped! After several paper work mishaps, and games of phone and communication tag our embryos arrived safely at our clinic on Thursday August 7, 2008!!! The shipping cost us $380.00 and my mom stepped in and paid that for us! So we were that close, finally, to becoming parents!!!! So here is the protocol I went by: (It is kinda choppy cause I had to revisit my posts on Stepping Stones cause I didn't write stuff down!!! I recommend keeping a journal!)

August 22, 2008: Started Provera
September 23, 2008: Started Lupron
October 8, 2008: Mock Transfer: went perfectly!!!
October 23, 2008: U/S to check lining
October 25, 2008: Began PIO injections
October 30, 2008: Two embryos transferred!!!!
November 8, 2008: First light POSITIVE hpt.
November 13, 2008: Positive BETA: 247.7
November 20, 2008: U/S found one little bean.

What an emotional roller coaster to get to the point where after now 7 years of trying, I was finally pregnant!!!! We had several scares along the way. One was a trip to the ER on November 29, 2008 with bright red bleeding. I was so scared, but they found a very strong heart beat, and all was well. On December 16, 2008, it was worse, I had cramps and clots. I was VERY scared. This time it was during the day so I was able to go to my clinic. Once again, a very strong heart beat, and no explanation for the bleeding. Thankfully, this was the last time it happened! On Wednesday, February 25, 2009 we found out we were having a boy! What a joy to know and prepare for him! I still look back and am AMAZED at the journey we went through. God DOES have a plan and it IS NOT in our time, it never will be or we wouldn't have to put our complete faith and love in HIM as He requires us to do. God is good, all the time, All the time GOD IS GOOD.